I have a favorite poem of mine that I love to read in class. I first heard it when I was at my monthlong teacher training at Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health in Lenox, MA. At the time I had been actively judging myself for 30 years and at that moment was having lots of difficulty doing the vinyasa portion of a class that we were required to take. No matter what happened all the yoga teacher trainees were moving through these beautiful wave like motions of high to low push-up, chataranga, upward facing dog and into downward dog. For me, I still needed to come into a modified low push up and was starting to hate that fact. The more the teacher pushed us to do double chatarangas and the other teacher trainees were reveling in the challenge, the more I judged myself for not enjoying it and mostly because I couldn't do it!
After the "toughest" class at teacher training was over, I silently walked very briskly back to my room to get my stuff and go out for a walk amongst the pines and in the mountains. When I got to my room, I found a beautiful but simple bracelet left on my bed by a fellow student. I had told her at the beginning of the month that I loved her bracelet. Here it was now placed on my bed as a token of compassion. My heart softened a little bit but still not towards myself and I stormed off with the bracelet into the quiet early evening mountain air. The next thing I saw was one of the students smoking a cigarette by the shrine near a brook. I was thinking to myself, "She can do that?!" So I was judging her as well.
When I returned to the school I decided to shrug the whole thing off for awhile and not think about it. The next day was Saturday and that was the one day that we could do what we wanted during the day. The only unscheduled day. Most people did laundry and other rote activities since there was no time during the Sunday -Friday schedule. I walked into the laundry room where the teacher trainees were marveling over the amazingness of the day before and the challenging yoga class. I chimed in right away and said, "is it okay that I hated the class? I mean why was the teacher being so tough about it and making jokes about how we're all going to hate her? Does she teach like this because she teaches in a prison? Well, this is not a prison" and I went on and on. Someone answered me with, "While vinyasa is not for everyone." It takes a lot of upper body strength to do the chatarangas etc,"
I walked out of the laundry room that day with a new realization. 1.) I didn't have to LIKE chatarangas and 2.) If I really wanted to do it, I could just drop the judgment and work on my upper body strength. This was huge for me. Not once in my life was I able to separate the situation from being attached to my self-esteem. My wise self or witness was there with me when I had this realization and from that day forward I worked more on staying in planks, ab work, and applied my strength to my chataranga. My secret to this day went like this: as soon as I dropped the judgment, hate, and self-blame, I was doing chatarangas as beautifully as only I could do them. They still didn't look like others, but they were a unique expression of me. Just the switch in mindset is what I believe to have given me the strength to do the vinyasa sequence that I had always avoided. I was doing them wonderfully a few days later!
That's my story of catching myself in judgment, breaking down, and finally skillfully finding the means to support myself and let go of the story.
Think about your story. What do you tell yourself about yourself that keeps you stuck or makes you suffer. How can you drop the judgment and find compassion?
By Swami Kripalu:
My beloved child, break your heart no longer.
Each time you judge yourself, you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love, which is the wellspring of your vitality.
The time has come. Your time. To live. To celebrate,
and to see the goodness that you are…
Do not fight the dark. Just turn on the light.
Let go, and breathe into the goodness that you are.
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